This little piggy did not go to market

Det er lidt over et år siden, jeg ændrede status til "single" på facebook (og som vi alle ved, mere officielt bliver det ikke)

Lige siden har det været dry season. Og det er dejligt. Jeg nyder virkelig at være helt mig selv, ikke at skulle indrette mig efter andres særheder end mine egne, og frem for alt, at min (fri)tid står 100% til min egen disposition.

Det går så godt, at jeg, når folk spørger, om jeg virkelig ikke har noget imod at være alene, får sådan et verdensfjernt does-not-compute ansigtsudtryk, fordi jeg helt ærligt kun kan komme i tanke om praktiske ting så som min egen analfabetisme udi boremaskiner og den slags som et muligt draw-back. Og det er, trods alt, en overkommelig hurdle (i teorien, altså. Har endnu hverken billeder eller hylder på væggene. But I'm a slow starter.)

Men jeg kan mærke på mine omgivelser, at det begynder at tangere særhed, at jeg i så forsvindende lille grad mangler mandligt selskab. Der filosoferes over min mulige parathed til påny at indgå i forpligtende forhold, og nyheden om at jeg havde inviteret en Mand på Øl hjemme i det lille hus blev modtaget med uforholdsmæssig stor jubel blandt kollegerne (jeg var helt ked af at måtte fortælle dem, at det bare var H. fra min gamle folkeskole, der skulle udsættes for Föroya Bjórs Classic).

Så jeg har tænkt lidt over det, og svaret er desværre stadig nej - jeg gider ikke rigtig at have en kæreste. Beklager. Men jeg vil gerne på date, for det er tit sjovt (undtagen når det er forfærdeligt).

Og da jeg kedede mig gudsjammerligt forleden aften, tænkte jeg at måske skulle man prøve det der åbensindethed og re-aktivere den der ældgamle datingprofil. Opdatere alderen, så man ikke længere stod som 28-årig, ændre fritidsinteresse fra "bytur" til "sylte og bage" osv.  Flere veninder har svoret, at det ikke kun er særlinge der net-dater, og selv om jeg ved gud stadig er skeptisk, så er jeg jo også nysgerrig. (Og mangler inspiration til at blogge...)

Som sagt, så gjort, og så snart man har været inde på en profil, ryger den automatisk længere op i søgeresultaterne rundt omkring, og så kommer der nogle breve.

Og nu har jeg så brug for hjælp og vejledning. For jeg ved simpelthen ikke, hvordan jeg skal besvare denne her henvendelse:

.....psssssssssssssst........griner.........har.........et........griner...........godt..... ...........griner........ajjjjjjj.......det dur ikke.......griner...........bliver lige........griner...... ......nødt til at...........griner..........grine af......griner........inden...... jeg skriver......griner..........griner............ ......altså hvis du er lige så sød, rar og kærlig, som du er sjov så.........

Forslag modtages med tak.

@ N ~ just over 12 months as Officially Single has not made me yearn for a new boyfriend. It's almost embarrassing how much I enjoy living on my own. Only when I contemplate putting up some shelves or pictures on the walls do I feel something is missing (and no, I am not going to do it myself. Then something WOULD be missing, probably my left thumb or something. I told you, I preefer eentellectual tchallenges)

But friends and colleagues have started probing me. Am I really sure I don't want a steady relationship?  Do I speak the Truth (the whole, and nothing but) when I claim that I am perfectly happy?  Is it really possible that there is no void in my life? (If there was, could it be called a manhole? :-)  

So it got me thinking. And I came to the result that yes, I am actually very content and no, I do not want a boyfriend, not right now anyway.  But I wouldn't mind going on a few dates, because dating can be quite entertaining (except when it's horrific, of course).

Do you remember a year or two ago, when I put up this post about my adventures in dating?  To be honest, I still don't believe in it as a way of keeping our species going.

I mean, when you're as anally retentive as I am (in certain respects anyway), it's an absolute deal breaker when a person puts a smiley at the end of 

every.single.sentence  

   

It's a no-no if his profile text is written as if he only has 100 characters at his disposal ("if u r a sgl f then pls snd foto asap"). And I have this thing about too many spelling mistakes... 

(love, Helga ze Christmas Nazi).

The thing is, I don't think I would have even considered most of my ex-boyfriends if my first impression of them had been a profile text on a dating web site.  All of them had little flaws which, of course, I was happy to put up with when I got to know them in real life.  But when I only have the text to go on, it's a bit like looking at property ads - I browse through the pictures, smirk at the euphemisms, and discard.

Nevertheless, my friends tell me I should keep an open mind, so the other evening, I decided to escape boredom by updating my abandoned profile on a dating site. Change my age from 28 and so on. And of course, once a profile is active again, it pops up in people's searches and the letters start coming. It doesn't pour, but it does drip.

And I've received this letter that I simply do not know how to respond to. But it's too good not to share (this is my attempt at translating; no easy task)

.....psssssssssssssst........laughs.........have.........a........laughs...........good.....
...........laughs........aiiiii.......this ain't working.......laughs..........I'll just ........laughs......
......have to...........laughs..........stop laughing......laughs........before...... I write to you......laughs..........laughs............

......I mean, if you're as sweet and nice and lovable as you're funny, well then.........

Well, at least he finds me amusing. One out of two ain't bad.

PS - I noticed one of the guys on this dating site just wrote "another week as a single". Sounds seriously depressing. I felt sorry for him. But in no way tempted to date him.  Though, it might make a great blog post if I did.

I need a new dictionary

Apparently there's something called the Mensa Invitational going around the interwebz; it may or may not be connected to the Washington Post, I haven't done all that much research on it and don't know where it originated - but what I found was a wonderful little game of wordplay. Basically, this is a list of new words, or new meanings for existing words. I loved it; hope you will, too.

BRAND NEW WORDS:

• Cashtration (n.): The act of buying a house, which renders the subject financially impotent for an indefinite period of time.



• Ignoranus: A person who's both stupid and an ***.


• Intaxication: Euphoria at getting a tax refund, which lasts until you realize it was your money to start with.


• Reintarnation: Coming back to life as a hillbilly.


• Bozone (n.): The substance surrounding stupid people that stops bright ideas from penetrating. The bozone layer, unfortunately, shows little sign of breaking down in the near future.


• Giraffiti: Vandalism spray-painted very, very high.


• Sarchasm: The gulf between the author of sarcastic wit and the person who doesn't get it.


• Inoculatte: To take coffee intravenously when you are running late.


• Karmageddon: It's like, when everybody is sending off all these really bad vibes, right? And then, like, the Earth explodes and it's like, a serious bummer.


• Decafalon (n.): The grueling event of getting through the day consuming only things that are good for you.


• Dopeler Effect: The tendency of stupid ideas to seem smarter when they come at you rapidly.


• Arachnoleptic Fit (n.): The frantic dance performed just after you've accidentally walked through a spider web.


• Beelzebug (n.): Satan in the form of a mosquito, that gets into your bedroom at three in the morning and cannot be cast out.


• Caterpallor ( n.): The color you turn after finding half a worm in the fruit you're eating.



EXISTING WORDS WITH NEW MEANINGS:




• Coffee, n. The person upon whom one coughs.


• Flabbergasted, adj. Appalled by discovering how much weight one has gained.


• Abdicate, v. To give up all hope of ever having a flat stomach.


• Esplanade, v. To attempt an explanation while drunk.


• Willy-nilly, adj. Impotent.


• Negligent, adj. Absentmindedly answering the door when wearing only a nightgown.


• Lymph, v. To walk with a lisp.


• Gargoyle, n. Olive-flavored mouthwash.


• Flatulence, n. Emergency vehicle that picks up someone who has been run over by a steamroller.


• Balderdash, n. A rapidly receding hairline.


• Testicle, n. A humorous question on an exam.


• Rectitude, n. The formal, dignified bearing adopted by proctologists.


• Pokemon, n. A Rastafarian proctologist.


• Oyster, n. A person who sprinkles his conversation with Yiddishisms.


• Frisbeetarianism, n. The belief that, after death, the soul flies up onto the roof and gets stuck there.


• Circumvent, n. An opening in the front of jockey shorts worn by Jewish men.

From postsecret.com