Saturday, 26 October 2013

Tine & Monopolet

Når jeg futter rundt herhjemme lørdag formiddag og ellers husker at tænde for radioen, kan jeg godt lide at høre Mads & Monopolet. Lige som ca. trekvart million andre danskere. 

I dag var et af dilemmaerne, at en pige skulle holde en surprise-fest for sin kæreste, og hun var i tvivl om hun skulle invitere hans eks-kæreste som nu var en af hans gode venner. Monopolet var meget enige om, at hun skulle være overskudsagtig og invitere eks'en med, og det synes jeg også.

Jeg er selv gode venner med flere eks-kærester. Jeg har også en del mandlige venner, og vé den nye kæreste som kunne finde på at sætte spørgsmålstegn ved dét.  Venner kan man never-ever få for mange af, og jo flere forskellige slags, jo bedre.  Det gælder også den anden vej rundt - jeg kan sagtens have det anstrengt med en ny kærestes pigevenner indtil jeg føler mig helt sikker i sadlen, mere hellig er jeg ikke, men noget besøgsforbud kunne jeg ikke drømme om at udstede.

(Det er vel overflødigt at nævne, at jeg her udelukkende tænker på platoniske venskaber. Ikke gramsevenner, eller friends with benefits)

Men så kom jeg til at tænke på - hvad med nye venner?

Altså: lad os sige, at jeg møder en fyr. Vi er ikke tiltrukket af hinanden, men vi snakker bare helt vildt godt sammen, griner ad de samme ting, og synes i det hele taget at hinanden er jättegodt selskab.  Hverken mere eller mindre.

Men han har en kæreste. Eller en kone.

Hvad så?  Må jeg så stadig godt blive venner med ham - eller er det lige så forbudt som at lægge an på ham?   

- Hvad synes mit eget private monopol???

@ N ~ on Saturday mornings I like to listen to a Danish radio show.  The concept is simple - you can call or e-mail them with a dilemma, and then the host and 3 Danish celebritites give their opinions on what you should do.  The dilemmas vary a lot, from petty issues to some really big things where you really have no clue what you would do if you were in their shoes.

One of the dilemmas today was quite an easy one. A girl was planning a surprise party for her boyfriend and wanted to know if she should invite his ex who is now just one of his close friends.  She wasn't feeling insecure about their relationship or anything, but would it be weird to have the ex there?

The vote was quite unanimous - she should be magnanimous and invite the ex.  

I agree.  I have managed to stay friends with a few of my ex-boyfriends, and I'm really glad to still have them in my life.  I also have quite a few male friends. And I wouldn't give up seeing any of them - in my opinion a person cannot have too many friends, and having many different kinds of friends (ie not just girl-friends, if you're a girl) is a gift.   Yeah, I do feel insecure if I have a new boyfriend who has close friends that are girls, but that is my issue to deal with, and once I feel secure in the relationship it stops being an issue.

But then I thought - what about new friends?

Say I meet a man.  We're not attracted to each other, but we get along really well. We enjoy talking to each other, we laugh at the same things, and basically we just think the other one is really good fun to hang out with.  Nothing more, nothing less.

But he has a girlfriend. Or he's married.

Then what?  Am I still allowed to make friends with him?  Or is he off-limits in the same way he would be if I wanted to go to bed with him?

Opinions appreciated.

6 comments:

N said...

Well, I've always been a "be friends" kinda of gal. However, I've discovered that a quite a few women do not like that.

You see, I have always been a tomboy and always seemed to have more male friends than female friends. And, when I say friends, I mean just that...yes, men and women can be just friends (completely platonic). No bumping of naughty bits involved.

But, I've found that - I'd say - almost 2/3's of the women do not want "their man" to be platonic friends with another woman...unless they were friends with the woman first. I'm not sure why. I could casually brush it of as "insecurity" or "jealousy", but that would be trite. We don't always know what makes a person behave the way they do, so I try to simply accept their preference and not judge.

To that end, I've come up with my own SOP for such situations. When I find out a new guy friend is dating someone, in a relationship or married, I make sure that 1) the woman knows about me, 2) that she knows we are just friends and 3) I try to get to know her as soon as possible. I'll invite them out as a couple, suggest things we can do together, etc. I also make sure I remember important events like their anniversary and I try really, really hard never to get involved with/take sides in any "relationship issues" that may arise (no quicker way to get a woman to accuse you of trying to torpedo her relationship).

Sometimes it works out that the three of us become friends, sometimes the guy & I stay friends and sometimes the woman just doesn't want the guy to be friends with me. At that point, I distance myself.

Oh, and if a guy I was dating/in a relationship with wants to be friends with a female, I don't necessarily protest (after all, I don't own him). I prefer to meet the new chick friend and sometimes it nets me a new friend, as well. Sometimes we have nothing in common. I do, however, draw the line at my guy getting more than platonically involved with another woman. As I've told guys in the past, "if you want to be with someone else, then we need to end what we have and you need to follow up on that". To me, such a desire means my/his relationship isn't working out and it's time to move on.

The Blogless Sister said...

Very well written, and you and I are on the same page here. I like what you're saying about how we can't just brush it aside as "insecurity" - in an ideal world there wouldn't be any issues, but in the real world there is, and there is no reason to step on more toes than strictly necessary.

The comments on my facebook page + when I've discussed it with my friends indicate a fairly even 50/50 situation with some saying "yes of course" and the others going "that's a no-no".

(honestly, why don't you blog? :-)

N said...

Well, there is thing called posting regularly that I would suck at. Besides, it's more fun commenting on your posts... :D

Pernille said...

Jeg synes det er ok.

Hvis jeg var 'kvinden i forholdet' ville jeg som N siger gerne møde den nye ven, men det er naivt at tro min kæreste får dækket alle sine (venne-)behov hos mig og så er jeg egentligt ligeglad med hvad køn hans venner har :)

men det er klart nemmere at de pigevenner han har er gamle i gårde. Jeg tror at jeg følelsesmæssigt ville være usikker indtil jeg havde møde hende og set dem interagere.

Ibs said...

Ja! Du må gerne være ven med en ny mand, alt andet er åndssvagt.
Altså, man må jo tage hensyn til en evt. partners sarte nerver, hvis det er et virkeligt problem for vedkommende, men ellers ser jeg ingen problemer i det.
Min mand har en del pigevenner, og han er ven med flere ekser, som han ser ind imellem, og jeg kan ikke hidse mig op over det.
Jo, et eller andet sted er der vel en risiko for, at en mand/kæreste/kone kommer til at blive mere end ven med nogen, men så var de nok blevet det med nogen (andre) før eller siden alligevel.
Men jeg er jo også en hussy, som ikke holder mig fra de gifte, så måske min moral er anløben?
Jeg synes bare, at hvis min mand bedømmer et venskab til at være ufarligt for vores fælles forhold, så bør jeg stole på ham og gøre det samme. Agtigt.
Håber virkelig, det her giver mening for andre end mig.

adventuresandjapes said...

I had loads of male friends until they got girlfriends and wives and then they put an end to it all. So, I'm not sure his missus is going to let new female friends be a thing?